The first time I came across The Ashman, I really was not sure what to make of her. Firstly I had never met someone quite as eccentric in my whole life…and I know crazy, if you met my family you would understand this. I thought to myself, be her human or part horse? Or wait a minute, is she a pokemon chracter? Her delicate frame, small features and straight hair resemble a gothic creature from an Animax cartoon and now more recently, with her black hair and pale skin she could be the missing sister from the Cullen family.
I was so intrigued I tell you, and when she started to talk I was even more blown away by the absurdity. Listening to The Ashman speak is like watching a dirty movie in fast-forward. Words and syllables travel faster from her mouth than Usain Bolt doing the 100m. And the content that she expresses can also be perceived as a little unkosher (ironic as she is a self-confessed Russian Jew). She is a borderline undiagnosed Tourette’s syndrome sufferer who cannot control what she says at times. Sometimes I feel like she is a Jerry Springer contestant or a member of the Osbourne family, as every second word is “eff this” “sh*t” “p**s” and “c**t”. She uses every unnecessarily dirty curse as an adjective to describe any situation she is in or how she is feeling. It is insane! But then this dirty expression or word is followed with her infectious little giggle(which sounds like a guttural neigh of a pony with bronchitis) and you can’t help but to laugh too and so after a while her cussing starts to become endearing. She also loves horses. She owns a horse in fact by the name of Husky. I used to think she was horse mad at school as ALL her art pracs involved a horse of some sort, which made me think she was like into horses if you know what I mean (jokes…the thoughts of potential bestiality was short lived).
Now I can’t write about the Ashman without talking about her paranoia. It is as if everyone is trying to con her or steal her money (another thing about Ashers is that she is as possessive about money as Gollum was about Frodo’s ring…my precious!). I experienced her paranoia in its full form at Earth Dance this year where I had to consult her if I wished to get anything from the tent (yes I shared a tent with her…it took the patience of a nun) as she locked it in case someone stole something. The thing about trance parties is that no one gives flying fudge about what you look like. They are such free-spirited individuals or are tripping so hard on Acid that they don’t even notice what anyone looks like. But Ashman found the need to apply make-up every five seconds. Literally every five seconds. It was if she had some form of dementia where she forgot she already had fucking foundation on her face. More foundation was being applied to her face than what goes down at Drag Queen conventions. But it was alright…we made light of her paranoia and even came up with a song (to the Mamma Mia tune) “Paranoia here we go again, my my how can we resist you”. LOL! On the note of LOL, Lauren is a consistent user of this modern acronym, for EVERYTHING. She uses it sometimes when something isn’t even funny. She says if she has a child one day (imagine the spawn of the Ashman, it would be like Suri Cruise meets an alien) the first word she would teach the child is, “LOL”. She expands on the word “lol” to create new words and neologisms such as “LOLical”, “Megalol” and my favourite, “LOL, UNLOL, RELOL”…just to name a few.
Another thing about The Ashman is that she is convinced EVERYONE is gay. Yes everyone. Eventually I had to sit her down and say, “Lauren, if there were no heterosexual people then there would be no procreation and you wouldn’t exist” which she laughed heartily in response, I must add that she is not a tough crowd as she laughs at most things I say. Finally it has to be said that she has endless amounts of energy. So much energy which further substantiates my feelings as to why I do not think she is human. She can literally dance for 10 hours straight without feeling tired at all. It’s as if she has cocaine consistently flowing in her blood-stream. And she hardly sleeps another reason why she could be a vampire. After a rough night of madness and debauchery, Ashers will be up at 7:00 in the morning buzzing with life. It really is sublime.
But having said all of this about The Ashman, one conclusion can be made. I cannot imagine my life without this crazy chick! She is an absolute legend.